she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
