just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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