so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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