mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
