Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
