She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Did I show you my penis last night?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
