I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
