My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
