What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize