remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize