What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
