so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
