If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
