please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
