Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
