if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
