it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
