The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
