I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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