he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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