I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Found your dick twin last night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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