I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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