Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you had me at cake vodka
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Randomize
