i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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