I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Randomize
