Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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