i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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