I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize