She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
wow bdsm is so cute
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
