smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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