Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize