I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
