Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
