I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
