dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
