i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
