My underwear smells like fireworks.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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