I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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