i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize