i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
