his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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