you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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