Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
