I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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