I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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