and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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