bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
