How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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