Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
