Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
