She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
