Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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