Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
