last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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