Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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