Moan for me like Helen Keller
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
