It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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