So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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