sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
