Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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