i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it's like iHOP with fire
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
