I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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