I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
