on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
