3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize