You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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