what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
