his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
