Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
