my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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