My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
