U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
