I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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