I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
